We Danced My beginning was filled with beauty. My creator made me to belong with him, and I never questioned that. Being with him was my only dream, and it was fulfilled every day, whenever I wanted. Because ,as inconceivable as it was, he wanted me even more than I yearned for him. He taught me how to dance. How to walk , how to run, and he kept me safe. He was my father. My shield, my fortress, my safe haven, and friend. He was my savior. Protecting me from the world. I didn’t know anything other than the joy he gave me. No pain. He was always on my mind and I always on his.
One day as we danced, as he was teaching me his ways, a stranger came by us. I had never seen this man before and I was curious… I asked my creator why he had never shown me this man before and he told me it wasn’t safe. I became angry and backed away from my precious creator. In my mind he had lied to me betrayed me. I pushed my creator away, and turned cold, even as tears ran down his cheeks. I was bitter and walked off alone.
I sat by myself and thought about what had happened. I almost convinced myself to go back… to apologize and see of he would take me back… I even stood to go. Then the stranger came to my side. He saw the tears on my cheeks and wiped them away. He told me how beautiful my dancing was… he told me that my creator was jealous. He didn’t want me to know other pleasures of the world because He didn’t want me to leave him as he knew I would once I tasted it. He asked me to take his hand. I hesitated for a moment… there was something in his eyes. It was unsettling, and uncomfortable. But it was deep down. Under layers of wonderful promises. My creator came to us. He was standing a few feet away. He asked me to come back. He wanted me safe. But the stranger whispered in my ear.
“You remember how he lied to you about me. He doesn’t want you to leave him. But only because he knows you’ll never want to come back. He doesn’t want you to know. He doesn’t want you to enjoy the knowledge I can give you… he wants it all to himself.”
The anger I had dismissed earlier came back stronger than before. Its intensity surprised me. I looked my creator in the eye and told him I had to leave. I reached for the strangers hand and we left him there.
My time with the stranger was wonderful. Memories of my creator and prince were all but forgotten. Only small reflections and remembrances would come, but always with the sting that betrayal leaves behind. My new prince had wooed me, and he held my heart now. He was my life, I had dedicated everything to him. I thought of myself as very mature and cultured now that I knew the secrets my old creator had neglected to tell me. And acted happy when my new prince beckoned. But deep in my heart I knew I was wrong. I knew what I had become. Dirty and slimy. That my old creator had been right. I realized that maybe this life was a mistake. Sometimes my new prince would become angry with me. He would yell at me and call me names. I would ignore him and pretend that everything was normal. And when he was gone I would remember the lessons my creator taught me the most. I would feel guilt in my heart and wonder why I had left. I knew my creator had never yelled at me like my new prince did. But my memories of my creator were fading…I had to see him. Before I completely forgot.
I approached my new prince and asked him if I could leave and go to my old creator. I missed him and needed to apologize. This angered my new prince. His real flesh began to show. He was ugly and frightening. He became a monster.
“You’ve broken his heart! You’ve sinned against him! You think he’ll want you back after that? You have chosen me. Now you have to stick with your choice.”
The truth gripped my heart and wouldn’t let go. I was slime. An awful person who had no right to the life I had been given when I was first created. My creator had even warned me that the life out side was
dangerous …I couldn’t go back and face him now. He would only laugh. Spit in my face. That was what I deserved. So I cried. Sin, who was no longer my prince, left me there weeping, laughing at my pathetic blubbering.
Life had stopped being a familiar dance. I had now begun to forget the dancing my creator thought so beautiful. Even as my memory grew weak, I did remember some things he said to me. “I will never leave you”, “You can always come to me”, “I will forgive you”. He has said those things before I left him. And now they would come back like small whispers. Reminded myself that He couldn’t possibly mean them now. So I sat there wallowing in my sorrow. I tried to imagine what I would do if my creator tried to take me back. Would I run to him? Would he take me once he had seen what I had become? My mind was to tiered to think. I couldn’t function now. Why didn’t he come save me? The thought that he knew I was here and knew how I was feeling, That I needed him yet he didn’t come get me, infuriated me. It angered me to the core, and burned inside me. Maybe this was all his fault, maybe getting away from him was for the best. The guilt I felt was just guilt for him. Having his heart broken. It wasn’t my fault I had moved on. I thought about the way Sin beat me. How he would dance with me and make everything seem so clear and right and safe, then scream at me and call me names. I had to get out. My creator wouldn’t take me back, I wasn’t even sure I wanted to go back, but I couldn’t stay here. So I walked. As I walked I saw beautiful creation. But I also saw ugly, horrible things. And I knew that the creator had made both. I ached at the knowledge that my creator was the creator of all. It hurt to see all of the pain in this world. I walked for miles. Farther and farther from Sin. Farther and farther from my creator. Leaving familiarity long behind me. Abandoning it. These many miles away from my creator showed me the reality of the world. And I despised it. Somehow this added to my pain. Seeing all that the creator had abandoned. Pain grew as I walked and when I found myself trudging through a wood I saw it take form. A poor old man weeping. He was sitting on a fallen oak tree, his face buried in his hands. He sobbed quietly but his shoulders shook convulsively. And he moaned. I was frightened, and I looked behind me. I gasped when I saw his figure. Sin was following me. Always there. Fear rippled through me and as he did he took form also. Fear was big and strong overpowering. He looked troubled. He stood tall behind sin. I turned back around to look at Pain. If I talked to him would he follow me like sin? But the distraught look of the poor old man moved me forward. I put my hand on his shoulder and instantly memories flooded my mind. All the times I had been hurt. All the time I felt pain slice through my heart. I saw all theses things and anger grew. Anger at the pain and the ones who caused it. Me, Sin, fear, my creator. Anger gave way to bitterness, and as pain rose and took his place behind fear, Bitterness took shape and molded itself to my heart, securing his place in line. We walked out of the forest, I, in the lead, my faults following diligently behind. I walked and thought about what had happened to me. Thought of what I had become. I was no longer the perfect lover of my beloved creator. I was dirty and naked, unworthy of any love. Shame took form, but stayed close during my travels whispering in my ear. I needed love. But could never have it. I needed acceptance but didn’t deserve it. I thought back to my creator. Remember with yearning the adoration in his eyes as we danced. The love in his eyes as he taught me. Remembered how proud he looked as I caught on to his ways and learned new things. He treasured me and I had left him. “I love you even now”… It was a faint whisper. I thought I had misheard. Was that my creators voice? “You will seek me and find me when you search for me with all of your heart” His voice again. Those things he had first taught me were coming back. He loved me! I had to find him! But I couldn’t remember my way back! I looked all over and searched desperately for him. I asked people walking in the streets, “Have you seen my creator?” “Do you know where my beloved is? He is waiting for me!”
I remembered that I had begun to walk the opposite way from where I had last seen him. So I turned and ran. Sin, fear, Pain, bitterness, and shame still following and clouding my memory.
I passed through the forest, and the sad and beautiful creations, all the while hoping I was not wrong. That he still cared for me. I ran. I doubted. Then I stopped. What if I’m wrong? What if it was just my imagination? What if he pushes me away? Doubt took form, worry lines etched in his forehead. He took his place behind Pain. But I took off running again. I had to know. I needed to hear it from his lips. As I ran I saw the place I sat after leaving my love the first time. I stopped. He sat there. My creator…He looked up and smiled. He knew why I was here. He loved me. I ran to him but didn’t make it far. My faults knew what I was doing. Shame whispered in my ear, “remember why your no good.” Sin came up beside my, “remember who you chose”, “Pain touched my heart, “He wont want all your baggage”, Fear encircled my chest, “He wont want you back. What if he laughs at you?”, Bitterness took his turn “Remember what the world looked like? Why did he let it fall? Why did he let you fall?” They all came at once, pushing me down blocking my view of my beloved. I screamed for my creator. I screamed for them to stop for them to leave me. I sobbed and screeched. Crying in pain I yelled desperately, “Jesus! Jesus save me!” My beloved ran for me. He pushed all my self inflicted faults away. My eyes were squeezed shut, blocking my view of the demons. When his arms lifted me from the dirt and cradled me the ice in my soul melted away, bringing cleansing tears of peace down my cheeks. We sat like that for quite a while. I lifted my head and looked at him. Shame poking into my thoughts. He shook his head. He whispered what I had always longed to hear. “I love you even now.” He released me and stood to his feet. Then he lifted me by the hand with him. He took my hand and led me to the place where he created me. And then…
We danced.
One day as we danced, as he was teaching me his ways, a stranger came by us. I had never seen this man before and I was curious… I asked my creator why he had never shown me this man before and he told me it wasn’t safe. I became angry and backed away from my precious creator. In my mind he had lied to me betrayed me. I pushed my creator away, and turned cold, even as tears ran down his cheeks. I was bitter and walked off alone.
I sat by myself and thought about what had happened. I almost convinced myself to go back… to apologize and see of he would take me back… I even stood to go. Then the stranger came to my side. He saw the tears on my cheeks and wiped them away. He told me how beautiful my dancing was… he told me that my creator was jealous. He didn’t want me to know other pleasures of the world because He didn’t want me to leave him as he knew I would once I tasted it. He asked me to take his hand. I hesitated for a moment… there was something in his eyes. It was unsettling, and uncomfortable. But it was deep down. Under layers of wonderful promises. My creator came to us. He was standing a few feet away. He asked me to come back. He wanted me safe. But the stranger whispered in my ear.
“You remember how he lied to you about me. He doesn’t want you to leave him. But only because he knows you’ll never want to come back. He doesn’t want you to know. He doesn’t want you to enjoy the knowledge I can give you… he wants it all to himself.”
The anger I had dismissed earlier came back stronger than before. Its intensity surprised me. I looked my creator in the eye and told him I had to leave. I reached for the strangers hand and we left him there.
My time with the stranger was wonderful. Memories of my creator and prince were all but forgotten. Only small reflections and remembrances would come, but always with the sting that betrayal leaves behind. My new prince had wooed me, and he held my heart now. He was my life, I had dedicated everything to him. I thought of myself as very mature and cultured now that I knew the secrets my old creator had neglected to tell me. And acted happy when my new prince beckoned. But deep in my heart I knew I was wrong. I knew what I had become. Dirty and slimy. That my old creator had been right. I realized that maybe this life was a mistake. Sometimes my new prince would become angry with me. He would yell at me and call me names. I would ignore him and pretend that everything was normal. And when he was gone I would remember the lessons my creator taught me the most. I would feel guilt in my heart and wonder why I had left. I knew my creator had never yelled at me like my new prince did. But my memories of my creator were fading…I had to see him. Before I completely forgot.
I approached my new prince and asked him if I could leave and go to my old creator. I missed him and needed to apologize. This angered my new prince. His real flesh began to show. He was ugly and frightening. He became a monster.
“You’ve broken his heart! You’ve sinned against him! You think he’ll want you back after that? You have chosen me. Now you have to stick with your choice.”
The truth gripped my heart and wouldn’t let go. I was slime. An awful person who had no right to the life I had been given when I was first created. My creator had even warned me that the life out side was
dangerous …I couldn’t go back and face him now. He would only laugh. Spit in my face. That was what I deserved. So I cried. Sin, who was no longer my prince, left me there weeping, laughing at my pathetic blubbering.
Life had stopped being a familiar dance. I had now begun to forget the dancing my creator thought so beautiful. Even as my memory grew weak, I did remember some things he said to me. “I will never leave you”, “You can always come to me”, “I will forgive you”. He has said those things before I left him. And now they would come back like small whispers. Reminded myself that He couldn’t possibly mean them now. So I sat there wallowing in my sorrow. I tried to imagine what I would do if my creator tried to take me back. Would I run to him? Would he take me once he had seen what I had become? My mind was to tiered to think. I couldn’t function now. Why didn’t he come save me? The thought that he knew I was here and knew how I was feeling, That I needed him yet he didn’t come get me, infuriated me. It angered me to the core, and burned inside me. Maybe this was all his fault, maybe getting away from him was for the best. The guilt I felt was just guilt for him. Having his heart broken. It wasn’t my fault I had moved on. I thought about the way Sin beat me. How he would dance with me and make everything seem so clear and right and safe, then scream at me and call me names. I had to get out. My creator wouldn’t take me back, I wasn’t even sure I wanted to go back, but I couldn’t stay here. So I walked. As I walked I saw beautiful creation. But I also saw ugly, horrible things. And I knew that the creator had made both. I ached at the knowledge that my creator was the creator of all. It hurt to see all of the pain in this world. I walked for miles. Farther and farther from Sin. Farther and farther from my creator. Leaving familiarity long behind me. Abandoning it. These many miles away from my creator showed me the reality of the world. And I despised it. Somehow this added to my pain. Seeing all that the creator had abandoned. Pain grew as I walked and when I found myself trudging through a wood I saw it take form. A poor old man weeping. He was sitting on a fallen oak tree, his face buried in his hands. He sobbed quietly but his shoulders shook convulsively. And he moaned. I was frightened, and I looked behind me. I gasped when I saw his figure. Sin was following me. Always there. Fear rippled through me and as he did he took form also. Fear was big and strong overpowering. He looked troubled. He stood tall behind sin. I turned back around to look at Pain. If I talked to him would he follow me like sin? But the distraught look of the poor old man moved me forward. I put my hand on his shoulder and instantly memories flooded my mind. All the times I had been hurt. All the time I felt pain slice through my heart. I saw all theses things and anger grew. Anger at the pain and the ones who caused it. Me, Sin, fear, my creator. Anger gave way to bitterness, and as pain rose and took his place behind fear, Bitterness took shape and molded itself to my heart, securing his place in line. We walked out of the forest, I, in the lead, my faults following diligently behind. I walked and thought about what had happened to me. Thought of what I had become. I was no longer the perfect lover of my beloved creator. I was dirty and naked, unworthy of any love. Shame took form, but stayed close during my travels whispering in my ear. I needed love. But could never have it. I needed acceptance but didn’t deserve it. I thought back to my creator. Remember with yearning the adoration in his eyes as we danced. The love in his eyes as he taught me. Remembered how proud he looked as I caught on to his ways and learned new things. He treasured me and I had left him. “I love you even now”… It was a faint whisper. I thought I had misheard. Was that my creators voice? “You will seek me and find me when you search for me with all of your heart” His voice again. Those things he had first taught me were coming back. He loved me! I had to find him! But I couldn’t remember my way back! I looked all over and searched desperately for him. I asked people walking in the streets, “Have you seen my creator?” “Do you know where my beloved is? He is waiting for me!”
I remembered that I had begun to walk the opposite way from where I had last seen him. So I turned and ran. Sin, fear, Pain, bitterness, and shame still following and clouding my memory.
I passed through the forest, and the sad and beautiful creations, all the while hoping I was not wrong. That he still cared for me. I ran. I doubted. Then I stopped. What if I’m wrong? What if it was just my imagination? What if he pushes me away? Doubt took form, worry lines etched in his forehead. He took his place behind Pain. But I took off running again. I had to know. I needed to hear it from his lips. As I ran I saw the place I sat after leaving my love the first time. I stopped. He sat there. My creator…He looked up and smiled. He knew why I was here. He loved me. I ran to him but didn’t make it far. My faults knew what I was doing. Shame whispered in my ear, “remember why your no good.” Sin came up beside my, “remember who you chose”, “Pain touched my heart, “He wont want all your baggage”, Fear encircled my chest, “He wont want you back. What if he laughs at you?”, Bitterness took his turn “Remember what the world looked like? Why did he let it fall? Why did he let you fall?” They all came at once, pushing me down blocking my view of my beloved. I screamed for my creator. I screamed for them to stop for them to leave me. I sobbed and screeched. Crying in pain I yelled desperately, “Jesus! Jesus save me!” My beloved ran for me. He pushed all my self inflicted faults away. My eyes were squeezed shut, blocking my view of the demons. When his arms lifted me from the dirt and cradled me the ice in my soul melted away, bringing cleansing tears of peace down my cheeks. We sat like that for quite a while. I lifted my head and looked at him. Shame poking into my thoughts. He shook his head. He whispered what I had always longed to hear. “I love you even now.” He released me and stood to his feet. Then he lifted me by the hand with him. He took my hand and led me to the place where he created me. And then…
We danced.
Remember, if you have any comments or opinions contact me. My e-mail is on my page, or find me on Facebook!
-KC-
-KC-
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